While I was in our hometown over Christmas break, my sisters friend responded “that’s so gross” when I text that my son might not make it to our scheduled lunch because he was under the weather & I’d sucked “probably 1/3 cup of snot out of his nose since he woke up” with my mouth. I chuckled to myself. “Sounds like something I would have responded with 2 years ago”, before I was a mom.

Warner has, most simply put, become an extension of my own being. His boogers are my boogers, his blowouts (while not my own, thankfully) rarely disgust me. Here are a few lies I told my former self and the reality of my life as the stay-at-home-mother to a 19 month old.

Lie 1: We won’t watch cartoons in my house, If I never introduce him to them, he won’t know what they are & thus, he will never yearn for children’s television.

Warner, watching Bubble Guppies, probably.

Reality: This thought was utter bullshit and I can’t believe I even thought that would work. WHAT TIME IS IT? If you responded with “ITS TIME FOR LUNCH” y’all know what I mean & you’re probably watching Season 3 Episode 8 of Bubble Guppies for the 5th time this morning while you reheat your coffee for the 3rd. I can absolutely get down with limited screen time and, believe me, I read all of the articles about how it’s turning their brains to mush and causing autism, but I praise the PBS Gods for creating Daniel Tiger after Warner has tortured the cats, pulled all the books off the shelves, shattered two mugs, and shit his pants thrice before 9AM. THANK U, NEXT.

Lie 2: My husband will handle all of the vomiting in the house & I will leave to enjoy a spa day.

Reality: Yeah, right. You know who baby wants when he is barfing? His mom. You know what mom wants when baby if barfing? Her Xanax & a glass (scratch that, bottle) of wine & her effing spa day.

Lie 3: I will homemake all of my babies first foods in a blender and freeze them in an ice tray and he only eats organic and won’t know what chips are.

This was from today- Jordan gave him an entire thing of graham crackers and he ate most of them.
He didn’t actually drink that Pepsi, it was mine, but the picture is fitting.

Reality: My son ate a goldfish, 2 pouches, and chicken nuggets for breakfast and the freezer is too full of Ben & Jerrys to fit anything else, thank you very much. Honestly though, I tried to mash avocados and make sweet potato purees as his first foods and he just turned his head away and cried, so I quickly tossed that idea out the window & went with Gerber like all the mothers before me. The kid is in the 100th percentiles for everything, so I ain’t complaining, hunnies.

Lie 4: When baby has a bad attitude and it’s throwing tantrums in public or private I will shut that shit down.

“Here, have some crackers. Want a Starbucks water? Please don’t cry.”

Reality: Not even close. I pack my purse full of fruit snacks, pouches, and teething crackers and if we run out of those I either buy more or whip out the handy dandy iPhone for some educational YouTube videos (Refer to Lie 1; we are watching Bubble Guppies.) If that doesn’t work, then we leave and he usually falls asleep in the car & I probably didn’t want to be where we were anyway.

Life 5: I am going to get really in to house cleaning and fitness as a Stay At Home Mom.

In case you missed this story: Here is a picture of Warner putting all the cats food into their water. He was missing for 30 seconds and the silence was deafening.

Reality: No way, José. I wish that were the case, but Warner is so darn busy, as soon as I have completed one 5 minute chore, he has destroyed at least 20 minutes worth of new chores for me to work on. I empty the dishwasher twice a day, vacuum at least once, keep his laundry washed/dried/hung, and make all three of his meals, and that’s honestly good enough for me. I keep telling myself that chasing after a toddler is plenty of exercise, but he isn’t a very quick kid and I never find myself having to chase him, so lifting his 35 pound body to-&-from the high chair is going to be the extent of the “fitness” I am getting on the reg.

Stay tuned for this as a future series. Jordan and I have already discussed that when Warner is older, we are going to convince him that vacuuming gets under our skin, so we will “trick him into doing chores”. As with the previous “Lies I told myself”, I am almost certain this won’t be the case, but a mom can dream, right?!

Please humor me and tell me what lies you told yourself (or are currently telling yourself, if you don’t have kids yet) before babies.